Gunslinger Girl

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Re: Gunslinger Girl

Post by Colonel Marksman on Thu Apr 02, 2009 1:39 pm

“Henrietta? Henrietta!” Giuseppe called out. She ignored her handler. The girl just ran—ran and ran—as fast as she could away from him.

José watched and reached a hand out for her, but could not reach her.

Henrietta coughed her sobs. She fought her tears bitterly, but they stroke her face anyway. She continued to run across the Agency all the way to the firing range. There she knelt down and burst into crying, letting the stream drip off her chin and make mud in the dirt below.

The sun set low, and a darkness wove its way around the child and hugged her.

How can I improve this? If it helps, the girl's handler is getting married and she feels like she's being pulled from the picture.

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Re: Gunslinger Girl

Post by Guest on Thu Apr 02, 2009 1:50 pm

Is your quote already in another thread? I don't want to hijack ebyss's thread from her.

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Re: Gunslinger Girl

Post by ebyss on Thu Apr 02, 2009 2:12 pm

It is fine. I already rewrote the passage and it sounds better.

José watched and reached a hand out for her, but could not reach her. This sentence needs tweaking.
Maybe- Jose watched and reached out toward her. His fingers grasped air. -OR- As Jose watched, he reached out toward her. His fingers grasped air.
Truthfully, I am not sure if the girl is out of reach or what. I am just guessing.

There she knelt down and burst into crying, letting the stream drip off her chin and make mud in the dirt below. This seems to be worded a little awkward. Maybe - letting the stream drip off her chin and mix with the dirt. Something just a little simpler???

but they stroke her face anyway. Tears being described like this seems strange. That does not mean it is wrong. Just my opinion and I am far from an expert.

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Re: Gunslinger Girl

Post by Garmar on Thu Apr 02, 2009 2:23 pm

Colonel Marksman wrote:
“Henrietta? Henrietta!” Giuseppe called out. She ignored her handler. The girl just ran—ran and ran—as fast as she could away from him.

José watched and reached a hand out for her, but could not reach her.

Henrietta coughed her sobs. She fought her tears bitterly, but they stroke her face anyway. She continued to run across the Agency all the way to the firing range. There she knelt down and burst into crying, letting the stream drip off her chin and make mud in the dirt below.

The sun set low, and a darkness wove its way around the child and hugged her.

How can I improve this? If it helps, the girl's handler is getting married and she feels like she's being pulled from the picture.

Wreybies wrote:Is your quote already in another thread? I don't want to hijack ebyss's thread from her.

ebyss wrote:It is fine. I already rewrote the passage and it sounds better.

José watched and reached a hand out for her, but could not reach her. This sentence needs tweaking.
Maybe- Jose watched and reached out toward her. His fingers grasped air. -OR- As Jose watched, he reached out toward her. His fingers grasped air.
Truthfully, I am not sure if the girl is out of reach or what. I am just guessing.

There she knelt down and burst into crying, letting the stream drip off her chin and make mud in the dirt below. This seems to be worded a little awkward. Maybe - letting the stream drip off her chin and mix with the dirt. Something just a little simpler???

but they stroke her face anyway. Tears being described like this seems strange. That does not mean it is wrong. Just my opinion and I am far from an expert.

What Wreybies mentioned is very important. Please do not post excerpts of your work in someone else's thread in the Workshop. It's perfectly acceptable to PM a member to request a critique on your work. I didn't define this in the posting guidelines. I have made an amendment to those a few minutes ago. Sorry about the confusion.

After everyone has seen this post - the off topic posts will be merged into Colonel's thread.

Thanks.
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Re: Gunslinger Girl

Post by ebyss on Fri Apr 03, 2009 9:12 am

I was just checking this post again. And I forgot to comment on this sentence.

The sun set low, and a darkness wove its way around the child and hugged her.

I really, really liked this sentence.

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Re: Gunslinger Girl

Post by Guest on Fri Apr 03, 2009 9:40 am

“Henrietta? Henrietta!” Giuseppe called out. She ignored her handler. The girl just ran—ran and ran—as fast as she could away from him.

José watched and reached a hand out for her, but could not reach her.

Henrietta coughed her sobs. She fought her tears bitterly, but they stroke her face anyway. She continued to run across the Agency all the way to the firing range. There she knelt down and burst into crying, letting the stream drip off her chin and make mud in the dirt below.

The sun set low, and a darkness wove its way around the child and hugged her.

You mentioned an exercise to liven things up... One of the things I do when I have written a section that seems flat or stilted is to look at the structure of sentences comprising it. Often flatness comes from too many sentences which are constructed in the same fashion, syntactically. To make it easier for me to visualize, I take the portion in question out of paragraph form and stack the sentences one on the next, as follows:

“Henrietta? Henrietta!” Giuseppe called out.
She ignored her handler.
The girl just ran—ran and ran—as fast as she could away from him.
José watched and reached a hand out for her, but could not reach her.
Henrietta coughed her sobs.
She fought her tears bitterly, but they stroke her face anyway.
She continued to run across the Agency all the way to the firing range.
There she knelt down and burst into crying, letting the stream drip off her chin and make mud in the dirt below.
The sun set low, and a darkness wove its way around the child and hugged her.

Note that all these sentences are in a pretty clean SVO arrangement. Time to mix it up! Not too much, though. You don’t wanna’ go overboard.

“Henrietta? Henrietta!” Giuseppe called out.

Ignoring her handler, Henrietta ran. There would never be enough space to put between her and Giuseppe.

As she ran passed him, José stretched out a hand, but he could not reach her.

The sobs broke from Henrietta in fits and starts. She fought her tears, but still they burned her face. She continued to run across the Agency all the way to the firing range. There she knelt down and allowed her pain to consume her. The stream of tears dripped off her chin, making mud in the dirt below.

The sun hung low, and as darkness took hold it wove its way around the child and hugged her.

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Re: Gunslinger Girl

Post by Garmar on Fri Apr 03, 2009 10:35 am

Very good tip on restructuring sentences, Wrey!

Saulty brought a similar aspect to my attention once in one of my stories. Being mindful of repetition and over-using articles and pronouns at the beginning of and inside sentences.

With the sentences stacked like that you can easily see if you're repeating words.

Thanks!

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Re: Gunslinger Girl

Post by Colonel Marksman on Fri Apr 03, 2009 11:22 am

Garmar, I changed my mind. I would like to keep the help, but get it out of this topic (start a new one under Fan Fiction - Gunslinger Girl, and if you could put all the posts concerning this excerpt into it). Lisa's Secret is very important to me, and I would like it clean. Lisa's Secret stays.

Wreybies, I had never considered dividing up the paragraphs like that before. This is probably exactly what I need for my particular needs in writing. I'm flattered though, that you kept most of my sentences the way they were.

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Re: Gunslinger Girl

Post by Guest on Fri Apr 03, 2009 11:41 am

You are most welcome, Marksman.

*does a gracefully Victorian bow*

Now, go have a peek at the last post in my thread (The Great House) and let me know how you feel about the dialogue, aye?


Last edited by Wreybies on Fri Apr 03, 2009 1:31 pm; edited 1 time in total

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