Paragraph giving me brain cramp. Help!

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Paragraph giving me brain cramp. Help!

Post by Guest on Mon Apr 06, 2009 6:54 pm

Deavon slowly opened the wooden outer door of the radio room revealing the inner door, a heavy sheet of perfectly smooth black slate connected to the outer casing of the room with complex hinges that flexed and gave to allow the door to respect the dimensions of the inner room. A sharp, crystalline ping told that William had disengaged the door’s inner tabs. A single candle burning brightly on a small table illuminated William gripping a heavy brass dampening bar. The door closed on a spring assembly and clicked shut. Pulsing, throbbing, arabesque gilt flowers. Perfectly broken fractal panes enclosed the room in bewitching patterns. The eye was confused. The panes grew and took depth in dimensions that slid one behind the other. They breathed and sighed. Vertigo threatened. The room grew huge and then promised to collapse to a point. Deavon felt himself go sideways, the floor sliding out from under him.

“Keep your eyes on the bed, Deavon,” William advised, “or shut them. I don’t want to have to clean up after you again.”

The whole thing just feels patchy and like a bunch of bullet statements glued together.


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Re: Paragraph giving me brain cramp. Help!

Post by MC on Mon Apr 06, 2009 10:25 pm

Wreybies wrote:
Deavon slowly opened the wooden outer door of the radio room (comma) revealing the inner door, a heavy sheet of perfectly smooth black slate connected to the outer casing of the room with complex hinges that flexed and gave to allow the door to respect the dimensions of the inner room. A sharp, crystalline ping told that William had disengaged the door’s inner tabs. A single candle burning brightly on a small table illuminated William gripping a heavy brass dampening bar. The door closed on a spring assembly and clicked shut. Pulsing, throbbing, arabesque gilt flowers. Perfectly broken fractal panes enclosed the room in bewitching patterns. The eye was confused. The panes grew and took depth in dimensions that slid one behind the other. They breathed and sighed. Vertigo threatened. The room grew huge and then promised to collapse to a point. Deavon felt himself go sideways, the floor sliding out from under him.

“Keep your eyes on the bed, Deavon,” William advised, “or shut them. I don’t want to have to clean up after you again.”

The whole thing just feels patchy and like a bunch of bullet statements glued together.


I suggest breaking things into smaller sentences for starters: Deavon slowly opened the wooden outer door of the radio room. A smooth, heavy, black slate....was revealed. It's complex hinges....
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Re: Paragraph giving me brain cramp. Help!

Post by NaClmine on Mon Apr 06, 2009 11:24 pm

I agree with McCoffee. I feel like you're rushing to say a lot very quickly. If you're trying to paint a scene in which your MC is barely able to function, let the imagery work over a bit more writing. Here is my impression on what your character is going through:

Deavon eased open the outer wooden door of the radio room, being careful to avoid abrupt movements. For a moment, he leaned against the smooth black slate of the heavy inner door, waiting for another wave of nausea to pass. Compound hinges creaked when he finally swung the massive security door inward. It followed the unique path defined by its support mechanism, allowing for odd dimensions of the inner room. As it swung through its hinge-defined arc, a crystalline sounding "ping" announced that the door’s inner tabs had been released by someone inside, freeing it to open fully. A single candle burned brightly at the center of the room, illuminating William in its flickering light as he gripped a thick, brass dampening-bar.

Automatic closing springs shut the security door behind Deavon, making a metallic clack as it locked into its metal frame. Despite being barely audible, the sound echoed fiercely in Deavon’s mind while arabesque-gilt flowers pulsed across his vision. Fractal panes danced throughout the room in bewildering patterns, and his attempts to focus on something - anything - solid, met only with visual confusion. Dimensional windows grew and overlapped, one sliding behind the other, in a vertigo threatening dissonnance of color and motion. Even the room seemed to grow despite his attempts at logic. And the nausea . . . the ever present nausea . . . when would it leave?

Deavon felt himself lean sideways, the floor sliding out from under his feet.

“Keep your eyes on the bed, Deavon,” William coached, “or shut them. I don’t want to have to clean up after you again.”
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Re: Paragraph giving me brain cramp. Help!

Post by ebyss on Fri Apr 10, 2009 10:22 am

My advice is to break it into paragraphs as Nacl did. It reads alot smoother.

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Re: Paragraph giving me brain cramp. Help!

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