reDescribe it

In this game, we will take a boring blah sentence and make it more interesting. "Breath life in to it" to quote Wrey.

Take the 'dry' sentence offered by the above poster and rewrite it in the appropriate tone, adding poetic descriptions and colorful adjectives.

Afterwards, be sure to leave a new 'dry' sentence for the next poster to recreate.

(Begining with a sentence from the imaginary above poster):
Dry:
The sad woman walked across the deck of the ship as the moon shone down on her dress and hair.
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New:
Deeply distraught, she wondered the lonely ship deck as if seeking comfort from the wind; all the while, blind to the gentle caress of the moon on her elegant red dress and beautiful golden curls.

Next dry sentence:
The young boy licked the lollypop as he sat in the sun waiting for the train to come.

I'm not the best at this because I'm a rather dry writer descriptively, but here goes.

The young boy licked the lollypop as he sat in the sun waiting for the train to come.

New:
Sunlight glistened on the red lollipop and warmed the little boy's unturned face as he impatiently listened for the far off train whistle.

Next dry sentence:

The cat ran out into the path of an oncoming car.

The cat ran out into the path of an oncoming car.

New:

In a streak color, the frantic cat bolted into the course of a 1969 Hemi Cuda with the throttle wide open.

Dry sentence:

The tired man had two more meetings before he could leave for golf.

Destined to peer through two tiny, tired slits, the man reluctantly reached for his briefcase instead of golf clubs.

Peering at the clock ticking away in a slow, steady rhythm, the man yawned while reaching for a briefcase that contained the material needed for the last two meeting instead of golf clubs leaning in the corner of his office.

Knowing he had two meetings left before he could meet his friends on the golf course, the man yawned and stretched then picked up the undesirable briefcase.

It is amazing how many ways you can structure a sentence.

The woman picked her foot up and saw dog poo stuck to the bottom of her shoe.

ebyss wrote:The woman picked her foot up and saw dog poo stuck to the bottom of her shoe.

As Tammy lifted her foot, she knew full well what she would find on the sole of the only pair of Manolo Blahniks she would ever own. Never in her life would Tammy have admitted to having thoughts of infanticide. No mother would. But at this moment, Tammy understood how it might happen.

"Mark! Get out here right now and clean up your dog's mess!"


Next:

Mark heard his mom yell and knew he was in trouble.

A reddish-orange ladybug crawled up Mark's hand until it paused where the flesh of his finger and cuticle of his fingernail converged. He marveled at three black spots on each of the insect's wing casings before the small creature exposed its silky black wings and rose into the air. Despite suffering from dyslexia, he had heard his mothers instructions, scrambled as they were in his own mind, but they left no doubt that he was in trouble. For what, he could not understand, but somehow, he knew his mother disapproved of him . . . yet again.

next:

Mark’s mother could not take her son’s inability to follow simple instructions any longer.

Oh, we can use more than one sentence. I wish I knew that.

I don't know the rules -- just copying the others. Yes, mother always warned my about not jumping off a bridge just because the others were doing it!

Now I'm confused. One sentence? Or more?

I think she means a single sentence. But I'm not sure.

Hmmm...I guess I need to make an executive decision here. How about we limit it to two, if possible. Police will not come busting down your door if you choose to write more though, lol. The point is just to exercise our ability to embellish a story, so who cares, really?

Here's where we left off:

Mark’s mother could not take her son’s inability to follow simple instructions any longer.

I think I was the guilty party here in making a sentence into a paragraph. Sorry. My bad.

Mark's mother could not taker her son's inability to follow simple instructions any longer.

As Tammy vainly scraped the filth from the exquisite pair of strap-backed Manolos, she felt a switch deep inside her mind go from solo to group effort.

Next:

Tammy looked for her cell phone.

Tammy looked under the fridge, in the microwave, under the couch, and even reached her hand into no-man's-land--between the couch cushions. Her mouth twisted into disgust as she removed a hair-covered lollypop, and her knuckles were caked in a green goo.

Next:

Tammy found the cell phone.

After scraping away massive amounts of slime and filth, Tammy was relieved to discover her cell phone was clutched in her hand.

Next:
She was surprized when it suddenly rang before she could make a call.

Tammy flipped open the phone and postioned her finger over the two when a ringtone filled the silence. The cell slipped from her hand and twirled through the air as gravity claimed it.

Next:
What happened to the phone?

I think this game is evolving into something it wasn't intended to be. Although the idea of having a "What happens next" game is awesome (and I love it!) this is just supposed to be an exercise in fluffing up a dreary piece of writing. I do suggest someone should start a game for building onto a story--adding on to the suspense and building up from narrative hook, rising action, climax, falling action, resolution...maybe?

Anyhow...I'm not sure how to fluff up "what happened to the phone?" Is this supposed to be Tammy asking, maybe?

I meant for the phone fell, and what happened to it. Did it break into a million pieces? Maybe, it fell and bounced down the steps? I don't know. But you are right, I forgot about the purpose.


The phone hit the ground.